It's funny how there are so many things I really want to know - answers to particular questions - but I think I'd be better off not knowing. So I don't think I'll ask.

I think I'm scared.




Someday I'll know what I want

Someday I'll get my act together

Someday I'll

Maybe I should just tell "them" who I am.

Maybe I should remind everyone who seems to be forgetting...

Was it GI Joe? But knowledge is power. more so than money.

and it's scary.

and it's promising.

and maybe I like the higher-archy because I know that it's more likley that I'll have more knowledge than money (and maybe already do)

when I feel comfortable I can be smart.
when I am uncomfortable it is hard to be smart.

the difference between recreation and enjoyment, and suffering and distress is intention.

a person decides to spend the night in the mountains (camping) = recreation
a person is stranded and forced to spend the night in the mountains = suffering

a person wishes to spend Sunday morning worshiping = enjoyment
a boy is forced to attend church by his parents = distress

I feel bad for little boys who call their soap "body wash"

I wonder how people know things.

I wonder how people write things.

I hope people wonder how I see things.

I wonder how motivation leads to action.

I wonder why the simplest thing can be so hard.

I wonder what's the hardest thing to do EVER.

I wonder why admitting a personal truth can be so liberating and require so much trust - - - but telling that same truth would mean little without the trust.

I wonder why I don't do everything I want to do.

I wonder why a persons eyes are so telling.

I wonder why I spend so much time thinking and so little time doing.

After seeing no one that I really knew yestrday - and then spending the entire evening reading and talking on the phone with friends - I went to bed. But as I crawled into bed I realized for the first time ever that I was going to bed alone. My situation hasn't changed but my understanding of who I am did. It was a bizzarre moment of calm clarity where I wasn't tired and I wasn't happy and I wasn't mad and I wasn't sad and I wasn't embarrassed and I wasn't afraid and I wasn't jelous and I wasn't needy and I wasn't dissapointed and I wasn't nervous. I was able to look at myself and see my life and see myself as a young man too lazy to put his sheets on his bed (again) going to bed (alone, in an empty condo) hoping he'd get up early in the morning and do something productive but knowing the odds of that didn't look good - but being ok with everything - and then finally wanting something; (wanting something with the purest of intentions, with no alterior motives, wanting somehting that didn't rely on anyone else, something that I wasn't ashamed of wanting) I wanted to go to sleep.

and I did.

This means more and more to me every day.
I may have understood this at a subconsious level before.
Some day I wish to have such a profound understanding of the world and myself that I can make an origional awareness of equal insite.

"I attempt to become as totally responsible to the subject as I possibly can. The act of being an outsider aiming a camera can be a violation of humanity. The only way I can justify my role is to have respect for the other person's predicament. The extend to which I do that is the extent to which I become accepted by the other, and to that extent I can accept myself."
-James Nachtwey

I don't think I ever broke my knuckle

gWell - if a friend is someone who knows your name, a few things about you, and can recognize you in a crowded place - than sir: I have many many friends.


ps I owe $1.50 to the toll department of this little City of ours. Yep - they offer IOUs!

I remember a lot of things. I don't remember a lot of things. Overall, I am pleased with my unconsious process of this selection.

I'm hiding right now, but people can see me. I am in a pretty familiar place, but it's not ideal. I would prefer a bank of floor to celing windows on the North side of the building (currently there are no windows on the North Side) also, Hiding would be much easier if EVERYONE knew which was my table.

Things needed to make this a better hiding area:
A mailbox affixed to a hidden area that was secured by a pad-lock - but accessable to anyone
A slightly wider parking area
The need for a key to enter the bathroom (again)
A bank of regularly used, secure, lock-boxes in the back
An secrete, accessable, yet abandoned tunnel exiting 1 1/2 blocks north