I used to think (believe) that many of my mental ordeals were a product of my environment. But now, I am stepping back - trying to see the whole picture.

It's almost as if a large piece of logic flies out of my head, running scared from the emotion that plows in, filling the hole.

So this leads me to two questions/observations:

1.) Does the Logic go out first, creating a vaccuum that sucks the emotion in? OR Does the Emotion start headding in and scare the Logic out?

2.) Myself is so unacustomed to the Emotion being in there that I react to it poorly, and sometimes appear to confuse the sensations. Possibly I react to the Emotion as I if it were Logic.



I'm either right, or crazy: so either way I guess I'm crazy.



Now this raises more questions (funny because the questions leads to more questions - but also the thing that was raised by the first set of questions was the snowball effect (one thing begats another in a perpetuating cycle))

I'm sad now.

And I really wanted a nice sushi dinner. I went into 2 resturants but after looking at the prices on the menues I had to leave - I just couldn't justify $12-15 for dinner. It wouldn't have made me happy anyway. I went to Subway and got a sandwhich for $2.99.

I've said it before, and I imagine I'll (but wish to not) say it again:

I need to stop being afraid

I realize that I am compelled to be a photographer.

This compelling element is so buried inside me; to dig it out might kill me.

And now I must find out why.

And maybe that understanding will allow for greater eloquence in my pictures, my speaking and my mannerisms.

And maybe it's time to stop hiding behind my inexperience, lack of success, un-honed skill... and just start.

I'm tired.

but don't worry, I got a 12 minute nap (the pager can tell right when I've fallen asleep)

Why is sleep SOO based on habit, and ritual?
Why is it SOO hard to change those habits and rituals?

To understand humanity is omnipotence.

To superficially understand one person is so close... more than I could imagine.

To understand yourself is happiness.

Fewer than 10 days, and maybe more to report/make perminent:

Too many words to be angry at them now-
Snap
Shovel
Microwave
Tape

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Sometimes I'm lead to believe that I have drive, ambition, and work ethic. But then I see something, or hear about someone who truely does, and (like now) I feel lazy and directionless. I need goals, need to focus, and THEN I can work.

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I remember learning about some sort of natural progression in the professional lives, or maybe simply the developmental stages of the typical human. (the short version) Baby, Kid, Teenager (where you are searching for identity, trying to form own beliefs), Young Adult (Developing your SELF, starting a career. you generally don't have a lot to offer here in terms of material items, success, authority, wisdom...), Adult (Established in a career, gathering wisdom, mastering a subject, should be relativley stable), Older Adult (as established as you will get, have ammassed wisdom, become more aware of the world outside your shpere, shift focus from gaining things for self to giving back to the community), OLD (stop working, try and enjoy what you've accomplished...), Die.

So why do I pretend to recall such a lesson? I hate that. I'm uncontent. I know people who are younger than 30 and if the stages were true, would be near OLD.

I wish I was ready to try and help the world. Even to try and help the community.
it just occured to me why I am not ready to help the world, and why I hate the "stages" BECAUSE I am still in the Teenage stage - I'm still trying to form my own beliefs.

BECAUSE - fuck, I don't believe in anything.

how do you believe in something?

10 days. 10 days and so many stories/lessons not posted. I hope I can pick them up off the cluttered floor of my mind (yep, my mind looks like my living room) and re-assemble the ones that fell from the shelf, (and of course, I put them up there to protect them) and be able to deliver them here; for me to have with some ammount of perminence, and to maintain the integrity of my account of life.

FIRST: Button. It is a noun, it is a verb. I hate it as a verb. I need to button this button. What the fuck. Do you Zipper a Zipper? Car a Car? Computer a Computer? no. and this could lead to confusion. (fucking microwave) but, this is one thing (one thing that proves I'm not crazy and don't waste my time)

Working with strangers that are cancer survivors makes me think. I wish I had spent more time thinking about it at the time, but my mind was needed for the task of working (at the time)

I don't know if I'm used to drama or not.

My mom seemed to want to call me something that she never has/does, but don't worry - I set her straight on that one.

I had to write this now because otherwise (I fear) I'd forget-

Something really hit me today that I heard during a presentation.

He said to set your goals high. And even if you don't quite reach them, you will be in a better place than if you'd accomplished an easier goal.

I never thought about it like that but, it makes sence, makes me understand things a little better, makes me understand me a little better, allows me to feel a little better about Mexico... Please feel free to remind me of this when it appears I need to be reminded of such.

So, I dressed up as an American here for Halloween and they BOUGHT IT. I think they thought I really looked like a tourist!