Maybe I’m one who doesn’t actively participate in life. There is no Me. I don’t know how to have things happen to me, to experience anything myself. I’m there with others in situations that aren’t my own, feelings that don’t belong to, or originate from me. And I like it; this is how I choose to live.

Possibly explaining my lack of passion and a favorite color, my fear of eating good food and liking it and wanting it again, the underlying tint of inadequacy, and my constant destructive overthinking.

It is becomming evident that making a simple, non artistic snapshot that shows everything can be a daunting (and yet highly valued) task.

Things aren't as bad in the morning, and getting out of here still sounds good but not feasible presently.

God I've got to get out of here

I'm scared of the emptyness of the world

This girl sitting in a chair near me keeps looking at me, I mean going out of her way to turn around in the cushy, high-backed chair to look at me. I don't feel comfertable, so I'm going to pack up and get out of here. (So maybe I do believe in the resolute urgency of now - I want to leave now)

It seems that the people I wish I could write like are all extremely passionate about something. They believe in something, and have something to fight for.

I would like to believe in something, have real passion.

I want to say something now. Say something about what I learned today, about what I learned this week... But maybe I didn't.

I can't decide weather seeing a pretty girl kills a little piece of me, or gives me a glimpse of possibility.

I can't deside weather things matter, or if nothing really matters. (meaning; how much can I really influence the world around me, and are there predetermined general levels of happyness?)


Well, maybe more will be revealed later

Her - "I have the whole weekend off"
Me - "Really? So you won't work Friday OR Saturday?"
Her - long pause
Me - laughing out-loud at the realization

--my internal dialogue--
"why can't THAT girl want a coffee"

It's amazing how the fortune of life ebbs and flows without any logical pattern or predictability - YET, it some how events on either end of the spectrum (positive and negative) seem to begat other events in the same direction.

That beign said, I need to keep pushing, be aware of what's going on around, recognise when things turn, and figure out exactily how to control these tendencies.

I don't know what I need to realize from these past few days, but hopefully I will soon. Crazyness has been occuring... trying to overcome fears, being happy at times, doing what I want, thinking about what I want, having fun work projects... I don't know.

Ha! I actually had fun last night. Work was fun, I did a decent job, and even am still pleased with my performance. I parked illegaly, was a dick to bouncers, talked with girls... I guess this is why I do the job I do.

I appreciate you for trying to make the blow gentile, and pad my fall; but the truth opens the only door to reality.

I realize now that I was waiting for others to make the decisions in my life, to push me toward how the outside world deemed fit for me to live. But if tomorrow is like today I am in charge of what happens to me, where I go, and how I approach things. I'm back to playing the game of life again, not letting fear or uncertainty dictate.

The light is wonderful in this Starbucks: Maybe someday I'll bring someone here for a portrait. I would just enjoy the hassle and commotion it would create.

Attitude is everything: and I just can't figure out how to constantly have the power to control my attitude - but when I can it always seems possible.

My hopes for posting all my seemingly-random musings:

One day a really smart individual will read it all, make sence of some of it and come up with a personaliy theory that has the potential to benefit mankind!

(so no preassure if you are reading this: but I am counting on YOU)

But my question is this: Does your sub-consious somehow usually force the decisions in your life to put you in the situations that fit your mental beliefs on what your life is supposed to be like? OR does your mind change and adapt your views of what your life is supposed to be like to the circumstances you end up in resulting from your choices along this path?

Either way, most people seem to feel that they are where they are "supposed to be" in life - destined to be - and keep making decisions that lead themselves down one particular life-path. (destructive, productive, empty, succesful, happy, dependent, reckless; whatever)

I was acosted by a "random act of kindness" last night and I just wanted to tell all of you Kindness Fuckers out there to mind your own goddamn business.

The things I say (and write on my windows) are in my mind, but just because I know something doesn't seem to mean that I act on it. Now is the fucking time. I can't sit here being scared, and waiting for something to happen for the rest of my life. It's time to buckle down, get some shit done. I am tired, fucking goddamn sick and tired of fear.

I want to look the part: Do I look the part?

Kicking our own asses with the hopes of making us stronger!

".... go crazy?"

DON'T MIND IF I DO!



PS - I want a crayon in my brian. Correction, I need a crayon in my brian.

I wish I could believe in fate. But I like to think I make my own decisions. I decide to act on something, or to pursue something, or make something work. I carry a police-type telescoping wand in my car because if someone jumps me in a dark parking lot for my gear I don't trust fate to keep me safe.

Well, I slept 8 hours last night. That among other things, and a long conversation has helped to ease the burden of constant overthinging (for the moment) and has refilled some of that missing will-power. oh well.

I feel like I have no will-power left after the last few weeks. It is earlier in the night than I usually go to bed, on the first friggen day, and I am probably going to quit. Willpower is amazing. I am dissapointed in myself.

Well, this morning I decided to try and break the old record. I don't know now, as I am already exhausted and it has not even been 12 hours yet. I am not sure if it is simply that I know there is a dounting task at hand, or that I am drained from this last week of crazyness... but after tonight I will know a little more.

I am officially going to try to do something stupid. 100 hrs and a story. wish me luck and call me at 3am (I'm not kidding)

I need to know everything

Right now I have to know everything

I don't want to know anything; I have to know everything

AND it might be about time to do something stupid

I hate some things. Absolutley hate them. But the world is still gone. And the world might never again re-appear the same.

SO BASICALLY: I found out why I have my Special Muscle!!

And since the silence is broken for this morning I will add one more thing that ACTUALLY is as amazing as the cup of justice revelation:

I found out the cause of my Special Muscle. After years of non-diligent searching it has become evedent that carrying something in a particular way uses "the muscle". Holy Fuck. It never occured to me. But now I know, and now you know.

*editors note this is only a brief break in the intentional silence due to the extraordinary circumstances at Starbucks this morning. The preexisting silence will continue following today, barring more extraordinary events.

Today one of the Barrista's at my 'Bucks and I had a brief exchange of ideas and it was deturmined that my coffee today was the same as drinking a "big cup of justice"

the goddamn world has dissapeared

I love it that everyone seems to have dissapeared

Fucking love it

Maybe this is a new ERA in my life (as I know it) due to the downage of my proverbial foot. Maybe this will be the Summer of Matt. (I don't think it will actually change at all, but recently I read that hope is all that keeps the bumblebee afloat)

So there still is that delimma of finding something to look forward to each day. I need to make the mental transformation from thinking that things are going to be hard, and a lot of work, and mentally taxing to actually looking forward to the challenge, and game of it all.

Because this must be a game. Right?

I am pleased that my foot has indeed been down, and remained down all day (so far)

OK, I have to stop this.

And now I wish to pass along a good line from a song: "you do not warrant long good-bye's"

And now I'm wondering where the everyone is.

AND now I am wondering if "noise" will ever be considered "pretty" like grain???

Can you really be going crazy if you think you are going crazy? Or maybe is it just easy to say you are going crazy as an excuse to be a little excentric? I don't know, but there is alot of mental turmoil about now.

no not yet. I don't want to go back outside. Fuck 'em. They can wait for another half an hour. I want to do this now. AND I'm going crazy doing this now. But I fear I'd go more grazy out there...

And after a few phone calls I figure it is time to go back to the real world. Fuck.
Also, I hate forgetting things. And I hate doing stupid things. And I just did both.

And I just wanted to talk about this a little bit. Will-power, near-death experiences, freezing toes off, non-verbal understandings, and trust.

So they might not seem connected; but they are. Near-death experiences need willpower to keep them NEAR-death (and not allow them to turn into death). Easy connection. Then add in freezing your fucking toe off... or almost freezing it off but for some more will-power and a non-verbal understanding that the toe could fucking freeze off leads to trust. Maybe this makes sence, and maybe not. Depends on where you are and if you have ever almost fallen off a mountain, or gotten lost in the desert w/o water, or gotten hit by lightening, or recieved a neck-gator when your hands were too cold to grab your own AND keep all your fingers.

But where is this leading? I don't really know, except near-death experiences begat near-death experiences. And willpower begats willpower. And all these things have the potential to lead to wonderful life-experiences and things THEY can't take away from you.

BUT just now I realize that none of these things would be possible w/o trust. And not surface-level-trust.

I'm not sure what this rambelling is leading toward, but I don't think many people have the time to just sit here and yap endlessly about almost nothing (and yet everything). Oh well.

You know, maybe it's time to put my foot down.

It's going down...

Don't push me,

There: now you've done it. It's down. My foot is down.

yep, there you go.