Saturday, July 31, 2004

I don't know.
Snowballing; and can one control the direction?
Snowballing; is it actually happening?
who cares

I don't know.
I'm tired. I'm tired. I want to work. I want to work.
Just relax. Just talk. Just be honest.

It's never ok to be excited.
It's never advisable to have expectations.

Double Standards
Healthy Competition
Condesending Conversations


Tuesday, July 27, 2004

DAMNIT
I just want to curl up and die, OR get fixed.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

do you realize that I've been engaged in a secrete mission all this time without realizing it???
I had a wonderful thing to write and then the phone rang and now I forgot

Saturday, July 24, 2004

I had just finished a pretty long day of work and needed to eat and finish up about 20 minutes of computer work before meeting some friends in the town where I went to college. SO, I stopped at a resturant and got a table (it was packed on Friday evening) in the corner, and began working on the computer and listening to head-phones. So after getting my meal and continuing working (I was ina hurry to get the work done, and meet my friends) a random girl came and sat down at my booth. She Introduced herself and just kept yapping about nothing. We talked for a while (I stopped eating, because who can eat while a random stranger is staring at you) and finally I asked for the check, and she left. But, before doing so she asked me if I would call her the next time I was in town. I said sure (to get her to go away) but she then asked how I could call her if I didn't have her number. I said that was a valid point, but I don't have a paper (while sitting infront of my laptop) BUT even that didn't deture her as she found a coaster to scribble some numbers on.
What the fuck? I was just minding my fucking business...

Thursday, July 22, 2004

with age comes wisdom... or insanity - a little of both if you do it right. Or maybe we are just in that inbetween phase where we are not able to completley view our (or make consious sense) of our new found wisdom so it only appears to be insanity...
Hey- and why do they call it "half and half"? It seems a little redundent to me. I mean really all they need to say is "half". We'd know what they're talking about; because if there is half of something that kind of implies that there is half of something else. I suppose that you could say that the second (non-mentioned) half could be broken up a bit itself, but whatelse would you put in it?

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

So maybe one does have a Nature. And maybe it is best not to fight the nature of people or situations.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Don't worry: that feeling of excitement has faded.
Too bad no one is here to see me now... I'm actually smiling about something work-related.

I got an email from Italy that looks promising - but don't worry still no expectations!
So much to ponder and so little time:

I would like to dedicate 2 hours to thinking/writing about "Fate", another few whiles to the general principals of life, and slightly less time about random crap.

But now does not allow.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

We finally made it up the unmarked, rough dirt road from the established campground below to a quieter and more secluded area of forrest. It had been raining all afternoon, and the darkness of the sky indicated its intention to continue through the night.

Justin didn't miss the turn-off this year so we made a sharp left down a short hill so steep you can't see tracks untill you are already heading down them. Once the truck leveled out we follow the tracks into a thicket of pines. At times I loose sight of the tracks and it seems as if we are just randomly driving off into the forrest.

But soon Justin fits the truck between a few trees and a puts the bumper right up next to a large stump. Even in the mountains we can't shake the grip of society as we feel compelled to park in the place most resembling an official parking spot.

We sit there, in the cab. Sit with the engine off watching the water slide down the windshield thinking about how wet our gear must be by now, how wet we are going to get putting up the tent, and how long we can sit in the truck without the other making a comment on toughness or something of that nature.

And so I jump out and walk to the bed of the truck, heft the giant red North Face bag of gear out and toss it under the truck - out of the rain. Justin follows suit and tosses the tent poles to me while he separates the tent and fly. He doesn't say much, and I don't say much, but in 2 minutes the tent is up and we are making trips from the truck filling it with gear.

3 minutes later I've got my shoes off sitting on my Z-Rest in the tent sipping a beer and listening to Guns-N-Roses playing through the miniture speakers connected to Justin's discman.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

I wish I could believe in the resolute urgency of now
then I might believe that
The impossible is possible tonight

I wish I knew the meaning of it all
or the echo that is love
or the emptyness of youth
or the solitude of heart

But I can't even create the things I wish I knew
Or the things others find so routine

But maybe that means there's hope
Because do I finally know what I want?
Some days I wish I were smarter, and some days I am glad I'm not.

Today I'm not sure.
Please don't tell me it's awful, but, for a first draft is it awful?

Thursday, July 15, 2004

I was without my computer for 15 hours yestrday. Yes, 15 hours. I didn't know what to do. How can anyone do anything (work, fun, shopping, killing time) without your trusty computer by your side?

It's back now, and I feel whole again.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

A quote from me to a friend in an email today:

Oh and about switching to a PC - the guy talking next to me would be happy about that. (yes, I am talking about Bill Gates; I'm in Idaho remember)

Thursday, July 08, 2004

THEY bought me a $75 dinner last night.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

I was just told that if I wasn't able to get things to New York by 8pm Eastern it was ok, there was a guy in the Hong Kong office to deal with things. (but they wanted them by 8, and they got them by 8) Also, if I run into problems my NY contact # forwards to Hong Kong for me every night this week.

Monday, July 05, 2004

I am by-far an oddity here. There are a few other people close to my age here as guests (those that are, are here with their parents) and the others are employees. There are VERY few single people here - there are a lot of couples with children, and older people. So far I haven't seen another person eating alone, sitting alone...
Everyone from the van-driver to the pool boy wondered if I was "working for the resort" haha. fuck.

Almost famous
Almost rich

I'll be honest; it would be even nicer to have someone to talk with here. Good thing I brought a book and have I-Tunes!
When I don't like my job please remind me of today (remind me that it's possible but don't be a dick about it):

Woke up at 4am got ready and made it to the airport by 5:30. Was in Salt Lake soon after and took a small prop-plane to Sun Valley, ID. Here I got a condo for the week, checked in and found my place. Got lunch (yea, I expenced it, and am having troubles living like a "normal" person and getting desert, something that looks good to eat rather than the cheapest thing, and realizing it's ok to have a coffee after dinner). After lunch I checked email, made a few calls did a little research and got settled. Following that I decided to go for a swim. After that, dinner outside on a nice patio of fancy pizza and now I'm at another patio listening to live piano music, sipping an espresso and surfing the web. Tomorrow will be a bit unnerving as I have no idea what I am supposed to do, and who I am supposed to photograph and where I am supposed to do it... but today was nice.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Wanderlust

I want to be eating a sandwich just at dusk on a breezy summer evening while sitting on wooden chairs in one corner of a large cobblestone plaza - lit with a string of oversized lightbulbs propped up on sticks circling the tables. I want to be finnishing the first bottle of wine and talking with a HER and debating if we want another. I want only to be able to understand portions of the ambient conversations. I want to have to catch a train or a plane tomorrow morning early. So early I will probably end up staying up all night, going straight to the station after dropping the HER off at the airport or hotel or where ever...

Friday, July 02, 2004

I called about a car in the paper and several things occured but one over-all prevailing emotion was left with me after I found out who the person ont he other end of the phone was. The brief story follows:

I call the number and speak with a man - a normal man, with a normal voice and if you would have asked me his profession I might have guessed he was a graphic designer. But the man isn't the important part of this story, and he didn't know anything about the car. His wife was selling the car, and so she was put on the phone. She too sounded like a normal woman, with a normal voice and she could have either been a stay-at-home mother, or maybe a high school math teacher. So after talking with this woman I agreed to meet and look at her car. I was assuming that her and her graphic designer husband were upgrading cars, they were getting confertable in their carreers and it was time to drive something a little nicer. I drove over there and rung the bell. The door opened and it was a Sarah- the girl I "dated" in 8th grade. (she is 1 year younger than me, even.) Odd in itself to run into her after 10 years, but the most perplexing and almost overwhelming thing was SHE was the "woman" I had pictured from the phone. Adult. She is an adult. AND fuck, what the hell... How did someone a year younger than me, from the same neighborhood as me grow up already? I will have to think about this for a while...

wants beget wants
desires beget desires
material items beget material items
MOREMOREMORE

Thursday, July 01, 2004

I hope I don't look like a psycho (I might be one, but that's ok so long as I don't look like I'm dangerous)

A little kid was ripping his giant (VERY expensive) piece of coffee cake into bits and throwing them all over the floor while his mom put a little sugar in her coffee. His older brother didn't seem to even notice the floor turning from brown tile, to speckled, to a bizzarre lumpy white shag-type carpet in a circle around the small child. SO then the kid tires of hucking bits of cake and opts for something a little heavier - his full juice cup (thank god it wasn't a wet-cappuccino) So at me he directed the cup - hucking it with all his might. Luckely it was full and heavy, and he was little and weak because it crashed to the floor at my feet (and didn't soak my computer or leave me a sticky mess) So I politley picked it up and set it on their table making some semi-cute comment about him seeming to enjoy throwing things. -now to the point- His brother thanked me but his mom, saying nothing, picked up the kid and wisked them outside.

I don't have the time to think about what she must have been thinking.
I honked at a guy for running a red light (I mean clearly red. RED) and he honked back at me. I really, really want to know what his motivation to honk back was. I just can't even begin to fathom what in the god damn fuck was going through his mind.

"I just broke the law, endangered and slowed others and someone noticed - well fuck them: this is America I can do what ever I want."

Or maybe

"Damnit, someone saw... maybe I should honk at myself as a sort of self-assigned punnishment - - - great, now it's as if nothing ever happened!"

OR

"Shit. Think Fast Bob, think. OK, maybe if I honk they won't think the first honk was directed at me. Brilliant!"

or

"Oh great! We're all honking now!!!"

OR

"That fucking red light. You tell 'em buddy! I hate 'em too"

or

"If it wasn't hard enough to drive already people just randomly make their cars honk - making this turning thing even harder - AW SHIT, my hand slipped off this rediculus circular contraption used to turn the vehicle and smashed into the middle and - - oh BOY!! I can make that noise too!! But what I was really wondering is if red means stop or green means stop. why is this so hard? Hey Look- A PENNY!"