What is life too short for?



I remember once before thinking about what moments in life I cherish most. What moments I remember with the greatest fondness and longing - the experiences that I want to accumulate, and that I direct my whole efforts towards. I know that the majority of them involve other people. It also is becomming evident that a large majority of them involve trust coupled with like-mindedness. I also remember a quote describing what it takes to trust.

And so now where does this puzzle lead? It can lead to hope. It can offer direction. But like everything else it leads to fear, and being wrong. And if I'm lucky it will lead to becomming a better person, and more fully enjoying all of life.

When the words don't come I look at good photography. I wonder if photography fosters language because of its inherent ability to elicit emotion without any language. Great photography can evoke strong emotions and I believe its form (lack of language) leaves a mark in the viewer that he feels compelled to fill with language. Often, this language is not spoken, but thought. However, it’s this power that gives the still photograph a degree of its importance in society, its staying power, and its ability to effect the world.

My mind drifts between believing I'm crazy and totally self-destructive to it's not my fault.

It's so hard to put these feelings into words.

Even when times are tough we still have a good time. And I do value my family, and should realize that I need nothing else.

At first I was pretty upset: I was kicking myself for getting excited, I was regretting getting my hopes up. The definition of insanity - doing the same thing multiple times and expecting a different outcome - kept drifting through my thoughts. I hope, however, that some time things will come together. And when it does, it will be amazing.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that it isn't always me. BECAUSE a large portion of the time I assume it is me, or I feel obligated to fix it. IDONTKNOW

Also, I've thought myself retarded the last two weeks. soo retarded I don't want to anymore.

I have never felt a more appropriate, and desperate but welcomed isolation as sitting in that empty hospital waiting room several hours after most entrances have closed, even hours after the lights have dimmed and the carpets have been vacuumed. It's not the same place as with the people, and the noise, and the paperwork, and the tv. Strangly inviting and sinisterly peaceful. That second standing there turns into long minutes. I've been here before, and felt this before. God - - everything slows down allowing for, almost forcing me to think; but my mind wanders from emptyness, to what I did wrong last time, to the desparation in her voice when she cried aloud for them to leave her alone. I think to myself there's nothing more I can do, but I know it's a lie. When the tears threaten I take a step, asserting my priorities, and leave her there - in that room - alone - scared - confused - and probably dying.

I found something that I really like - and have liked for as long as I can remember:

twilight

And I found something that I really dislike - having to turn on the lights after twilight.

The mood at twilight is amazing, and the feeling it creates, and the quality of light
It's so dark I can hardly type now, but I'll let it go for another couple of minutes. and maybe untill it is pitch black. because this twilight isn't over yet.

MONEY:

Is ANYTHING possible without money? First I say yes. Then I say no. Then I say yes, but. Now I say no. Any life isn't possible in this society with out money (maybe not your money, but money of some kind, from some-where)

It's too bad that people, in general, prefer finding happyness through short-term, non-productive means. Is it easier that way? Is there a long-term solution to happyness that ends in an actual long-term happyness? OR is what I consider long term happyness simply a relativley short-lived happyness that takes longer to reach?

Is happyness something that can be reached? Does it always need to be maintained? Can things or situations or events lead to happyness (cause happyness, create happyness, maintain happyness) or is it all in our OWN preception? In our mind. Do we create our own happyness? AND if so, that leads back to the situations we encounter/put ourselves in being of the nature to foster that environment that we equate with happyness.
---can one situation create happyness OR discontent depending on my (your) perceptions of the situation--- yes.
---can a stimuli create happyness or discontent BEFORE or WITHOUT congition? on a basic level yes. eating when you are hungry will make you happy, while eating when you are stuffed will cause discontent.

So is all happyness situational, based partly on perception and partly on biology?

Fuck
there are poor people that are happy
there are poor people that are not happy
there are rich people that are happy
there are rich people that are not happy
there are succesful people that are happy
there are succesful people that are not happy

Fuck
is anyone happy?
I've been happy. But AM I HAPPY?
I feel pretty confident in saying that no one is happy all the time.

I am going to try and focus things a little bit. Focus my thinking. Direction. I need direction damnit.

Conflicts.

Personal happyness (short-term vs long-term)
Becomming a better person (for my own benefit vs to benefit others)
Greed
Desire for companionship, intimate connections

It seems as if all of these things are in constant competition for my attention, and maybe until just now I've never looked up - and tried to see the whole picture. There may be more driving forces but for now these are what I am atempting to understand.

And it is just now evident that I could spend a full day writing/thinking about just the conflict between short-term and long-term happyness.
• Do I listen to music as loud as I want now OR do I keep it at a moderate level so I can enjoy music and people's voices when I'm 80?
• Do I spend my money now on cds, coffee, trips, expensive food, cars... or do I save untill I'm older, or when I "need" if for something? (and even now complexities arise as this becomes GREED)
•Do I drink a bottle of wine with lunch

So almost w/o consious consideration I have developed a compromise. Is it a healthy compromise? Who knows (healthy physically, healthy mentally...)

I've been forced to think a lot latley.

Think about the differences between what I want, what I think I want, and what others think I want.

Think about what I want out of life, and what matters, and what will matter.

Think about what I owe, and my major faults, and my motivations.

All this thinking and I don't believe I'm ready to try and articulate anything yet. I'm just left with more questions.

Maybe a coffee will help (probably not, but I want a coffee)

oh fuck-

I felt like an almost adult last night.
I was buying my own wrapping paper.
I had presents for people NOT in my family.
I realized that I was going to Christmas partys to PARTICIPATE.
I realized I was going to said parties my girlfriend.

I might like Christmas

I keep forgetting things (a sign that my mind is mushier than usual)

Last night I washed my sheets. When I finally drug myself to bed I realized that the sheets were still in the dryer. I didn't even have the energy to put them on. It would have been too great a task at the time. Luckly (or not, if you know about my quest for perpetual readyness under any circumstace) I had a sleeping bag liner near-by, and slept in that.

Holy Moly- I really am actually going to say it. I would prefer it if I didn't have to shoot tomorrow. SOOOOO TIRED. SO BEHIND. SO MUCH.

IFUCKINGAM

So I was walking down the street today hurrying somewhere and a girl and a guy were walking the other way. the girl was on the cell phone. I heard nothing untill she walked right next to me and said "I'm with Matt" and then we passed each other. I thought when I was a few steps further along that she no longer was with Matt. And how in the fuck did she know me? And I don't think she followed me into the Starbucks. BUT maybe in the commotion she dropped a GPS beacon in my bag. SO - don't worry - I emptied it all out and threw out anything that looked out of the ordinary.

Quotes from a 3 page letter explaining what I was thinking after a day of freaking out in Mexico - sitting alone inside a dark bar drinking Coronas having Spanish Techno music blasted into my skull:

"I had 3 Mexican twinkis + a bottle of water for breakfast. Someday when I win something I will title that meal the breakfast of champions. I was just thinking about what would make this evening just a little more surreal- 1) Clowns that were mimes showing up and putting on an act 2)Me finding out that I'm actually a spy + have a very important mission here (culminating in a phone call to me here @ the bar sending me to a safehouse near or in the basement of a church)."

"I wonder if other people wonder what other people would be doing if They were them."

Today was one of those days that shortened my life. Even one of the MANY things that didn't fall into place would have changed the mood of an ordinary day. And at this count there were 9 or 10.