oh yes, I am beginning to formulate a plot for the book. this is exciting... but might take a long, long time.

Where I am struggling now is weather I would prefer to be content most of the time. Turely content. Or experience highs and lows... crazy emotions and experiences. Because when you are content, you really don't want the extremes. You are generally happy and life is good. But the things I would be missing... (when content it would not matter but now, on the verge of either contentment or roller-coaster life I have to make the consious choice; how to make the most of the life I have left.)

I would like to have strong oppinions on issues.

Well, a few days of work have done me good. Am I the only one who feels like you can never work too much? I also was really dissapointed with the new photo staff at the Collegian. Not nearly as interested or passionate as I had hoped. But, it was good to get back up there for a week!

ok, so I had a lot of sleep and am back to normal now. I realize it is hard to write a novel. Not harder than I imagined, just hard.

So why did I do this? I guess I wanted something to take my mind of everything else, something that would be challenge yet attainable. But there had to be something else. Maybe I hadn't accomplished anything in a long time and need something to accomplish. Maybe I'm just crazy.

So what did I learn from this. First, I am a lot more comfortable with my body and what it needs in terms of sleep. I know how I will react under long periods w/o sleep. So if it happens again there will be fewer surprises and I will be able to better concentrate on the task at hand (whatever it is that is keeping me awake) I suppose happiness is truly intrinsic. I didn't accomplish anything worthwhile yet this morning I am pretty content. It seems that everything is centered around your perception of reality; and that maybe you can choose (not easily, but consciously) how to precieve what you are involved with. It would take a little training and a lot of work but it seems possible. So to be happy you need to twist your perception of the unhappy reality... just change the angle, or the lens of that camera you view your life by until it makes a pretty picture. And that is not easy. But I think it can be done with a lot of conscious thought and some willpower and some time. Now I don't know what that will mean in terms of your future goals, accomplishments.
I am afraid that If I get truly happy with my current life there will be less drive to continue succeeding, to grow my business, to do all those things. BUT, maybe the drive will simply have different motivations. So they would then be more positive ones and so maybe ultimately, if your drives and motivators are more positive everything will move on and grow and succeed and develop but constantly in a more positive and wholly beneficial way. Maybe fear and anger motivates us to do things and it gets a lot done, but maybe it isn't the most efficient, and maybe it drives you to do things that aren't necessarily the best for everyone involved. Reminds me of a company only concerned with the next quarter's profits, pleasing stock holders in 3 months and forgetting the entire picture, forgets the long run and eventually runs itself into the ground.

I don't know if any of this makes sence, or will help me at all. Maybe I'm still tired. But for now, it is what I am thinking and seems to be what I got out of this little endeavor. so let me know, and be honest!

I made it to 80 hours and then crashed. Shit I was tired. At like 2:30 I couldn't sit and type or anything like that. I had to keep standing or walking around. I went to sleep and slept all the way through untill 7am. 16 hours I think! I feel pretty good now, just a little groggy.

And, I can type so much faster now.

The room is mostly painted AGAIN. I am now feeling fatigued and realizing how messed up I got late last night. Maybe I will go to sleep at 3pm, making it a round 80 hours of awake time.

It's finally over. There is sun, and I am beginning to feel better.

That was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time. I began to have to walk around because I was drifting off to sleep while standing watching the Simpsons. Then while I was walking all of a sudden my sences would become sharper, any noises would get much louder... maybe I was falling asleep while walking and jolting awake before actually falling asleep and falling to the ground.

Now to try and fix that damn painting blunder. Instead of blue/grey it is friggen baby blue.

This is the hardest perod yet. I keep almost falling into the computer.

I could fall asleep just about anywhere.
If things get worse I might have to call it off

I could go to bed right now. Sleep would feel good now.
I can't sit on the couch or even the floor anymore, I would probably fall asleep. Mostly I stand now.

I was wrong about the possibility of staying awake forever

This is a very difficult ordeal

I've never been so tired before.

Ok, just got back from another walk. Went to Dennys for a little more food. I saw several more "people" that turned out to be bushes, trees, little sprinkler boxes... They scare me a bit. I just tell myself that no one I see is real untill I hear them or get really close. I don't particularly want to walk alone for a while. Then a loud car passed me while I walked next to a bus bench. the noise bounced off the bench and sounded like a loud noise was comming toward me from the field. (lazy sound) I actually jumped.

I went for a walk around the area here. Very uneventful untill a wave of tiredness hit me. I literally had to continually consentrate on walking and not falling asleep. If not, falling asleep while standing up was a legitimate concern. It is not as bad now.

Then while walking I came up to the pool. Looked through the fence and saw 2 guys sitting on their poarch across the pool. They said something and I couldn't tell if they were talking about me or not. since I was so bored I walked around the building and towards them. Some conservation would have been niced. Around the small pool building I saw where they were sitting but no them. Even the lighting was different but could have been the same in reality as in the dream if the paper lanterns that dog found (I don't know where I was going with that; wow)

but so they weren't there.

I have nothing to do now.

Oh yea. Apparently I am not glad at picking out paint colors.

Well, the clock says about 6 hours untill 5am. For some reason when I make it to 5am, it is no longer night and is finally morning.

Well, it's past 60 hours now. I feel as good as I did last night... prompting me to think NEVER sleeping is a possibility. hmmmmm

So now I am off for a short trip to the bar! let's at least try and make this interesting!

I seem to be alert again. Not feeling exhausted or anything. BUT the damn paint store clerk talked me from 2 gallons to 1. they closed 30 minutes before I got there to get that DAMN 2nd gallon.

I just found myself in the hall wondering if I had just talked on the phone with someone or not.

(I didn't)

Oh yes, I got some paint and will attempt to paint my room tonight!

I am starting to drag a bit now. Not bad, but my physical comfort (for the first time) has slightly deteriorated. I guess the best way to describe it is the feeling you get when your alarm wakes you after you slept only 3 or 4 hours and had a few drinks the night before. A little tired and a little uncomftrable. So, to remedy this I will eat a little more food and drink a glass of gatorade!

it seems as though my mind is just a little slower than normal. I know that your brain routienly fills in details of your vision. Like in your car you don't have to consiously look at the dashboard to know where all the dials are, right? So it seems like my mind is having troubles with those previously helpful insertions. I still don't know why it puts things where it does... maybe it is random, maybe there is a pattern. Maybe this truth will show itself later.

So I just clearly saw a cartoon elephant in the bubble pattern of my shower curtin. Then when I realized I saw it and did a double-take it dissapeared. But it is time for breakfast! So off to the bagel store. AND no plain bagel today... maybe I'll get cheese!

I am getting pretty tired now. But, the sun will come up soon. That sun. Underestimated.

And the fun begins.

I still can't quite figure out if I am actually mistaking some trees as say an old woman, or an old tire as an upsidedown crab or if I am making myself believe I am seeing things. But either way, walking at night is more of an adventure now!

Time for a little walk. Starting to feel this night. But I'm still getting work done!

It is now midnight! so that means about 5 more hours of night left tonight. Night is tougher. Nothing to do and I am confined to my home. So really, I appreciate the nights best. They will make me tougher.

Well, time is now my friend. My friend and my enemy.

Ahhh, 12 minutes for breakfast.

Well, I was fucking 15 minutes late on damn deadline because I couldn't get this fucking computer to connect via the Ethernet connection, the airport connection or the OTHER ethernet connection. Finally I connected but 15 minutes is pretty late for them. oh well.

No breakfast... had to hurry to the dentist.

AND

So here I am sitting in the waiting room at the Dentist (ricochet rocks) early because - guess what - I got a job today. My appt is at 10am and I have to be at the airport by 11:15... actually, be at the ticket counter by 11:15. boy, this is just what I was looking for!

Well, reading anything requiring concentration for more than a few minutes wasn't an option last night. However, a few photo magazines and several outbursts (I didn't throw any of them, but did yell out loud at some of the idiots in there) later, I knew what I wanted to do. It was time to practice studio photography.

In 20 minutes I'll head out on a 3 mile run followed by some breakfast. Doin' Good.

Ok. I have a few RedBulls in the frige, and am good for the night.

And so this is the choice I chose because it is the easy way out...

Well, apparently the decision has been made. I think. I looked at a map for several whiles. I could do it. Easy... BUT, it would cost about $100 a day for gas and a hotel every now and then. So kind of expensive and too many other external factors involved.
So

I was going to say fuck it, I am just going to bed and go on with this normal life. But no. I can't do it. I am tired already at the thought of the next few days. and that makes me want to do it more. Excess. The more daunting it looks now, the more I should do it.