I just spent over $2,000 today on expenses for upcomming jobs. also spent the whole damn day basically trying to get a plane ticket and hotel room.

never enough time

usually room to grow

always someone already there

*A recent phone conversation

THEM "Ok, well when would you like to do this?"
ME "Well - I'm outisde now"
THEM "Outside where?"
ME "The Denver Office"
THEM "Oh"
ME "so..."
THEM "I'll have to call you right back"



*6/22/05 3:12pm

was that a haiku?

GOD

I am a black hole.

A living Black Hole

I have this unconsious propensity to suck EVERYTHING out of everyone I'm around

I thought I was fixed

A living fucking black hole

lusting after a lifestyle I barely know
lusting after a lifestyle I could easily obtain
lusting after a lifestyle I wouldn't excape


ahhh but how romantic it could be
but not a love-type romance


working towards a lifestyle I should write about
working towards a lifestyle I seem to already live
working towards a lifestyle that might be easier if I let it


ahhh but how romantic is should be
but I'm sure it is from the outside

what in the goddamn fuck

(I don't know, just felt like saying that but since I'm in a very quiet public location I figured this was for the better)


And it is amazing how image and related themes really make a difference. instead of me showing up today and THEY saying, "Oh, I didn't know you were comming" and "Ummm... I don't think you can do that" and "Are you done yet" they actually said "We already have 2 rooms for you" and "Yes, we already spoke with the manager - it's ok" and "Can I get you anything"

also maybe it's who you know, and who they know (so I suppose that still is who you know) but, and, the money.

it's 10:30 and I'm sad.

oh and look what I just did - I just sort of (on purpose) waded in a bit over my head! GREAT! I have untill Thursday to build a little box to stand on - ya know, big enough to keep my head above water.

So it looks like I may be headding back to Sun Valley. That + Seattle + the last 2 trips + Vegas = good. I (like usual) am scared that it will end (fuck, and it hasn't even all started) but am getting better at enjoying the fact that it might be (don't want to be definite because THAT might rewin it too) happening, while even beginning to enjoy DURING.

it's times like this when my actual motivation is far less than my percieved motivation and far less than my desired motivation.

to be aware of something
to notice something
to see something
to appreciate something
to understand something
to create something

So once I can see the details, and once I can see the whole story - and once I can understand humanity, and once I can relate to individuals (holy fuck; is once even a word - and if so, should it be?) but if I can only do all of these things individually life will continue to be a mystery so twisted and complicated the book would be longer than any before it - but when I can begin to put two or three or all 4 together, boy, that's when the world will just unfold infront of me with a clarity unmatched.

While it's going like this I need to GOGOGO

if there is a snowball effect I want this one to knock down some huge motherfucking trees...

I still haven't turned on my phone yet because I'm scared of who might have called - and what trouble I might be in