wow dude (I guess maybe what I was trying to say is wooooahhhhh dude, actually)

whirlwind.

I've read a good book, eaten a lot of good meals and skipped about as many. I feel almost guilty now - maybe because this is so cool, and maybe because I don't work hard enough, and maybe because I fear my work doesn't merrit these rewards, and maybe because I'm nearing exhaustion.

I've had my luggage lost (twice), a flight cancelled, seen some cool shit, talked with some pretty fucking influential people. I know I've dreamed of living a month almost exactily like this for years.



I learned something (else) from someone wonderful last night. It was something I (and everyone) probably knows - but, for me, it must have been only on a subconsious level. but it is this: when making a moral/ethical decision and what I want to do makes me seek the approval/backing of others - it probably is a poor decision.


And I think that all of this is how a lot of this came about. my paranoia, self-doubt, my drive to pursue the next step. my guilt. for knowing that I'm not preforming near my potential, not working hard as I could, not giving 100%.
BUT I am getting better. I'm giving a lot, and trying hard (most of the time)
I shouldn't feel bad because I am here.
I shouldn't feel bad because I'm here.
I should not feel bad because I'm here.