How can I be unbiased during a month packed with this much? Thinking has always appeared hazardous, but now thinking is both imperative and damaging; I must spend every unoccupied moment thinking towards a solution, but each minute thinking makes that solution harder to catch. And yet, there is no other option. And I wish it would start raining.
Observation: a relatively static presence will change when viewed under different circumstances.
The rain would help speed my thinking, and maybe slow the destruction. Or is it the other way around, and my mind is still so far from an answer that the rain would speed destruction. NO! Ha. I know now: the rain would hurl myself into more destruction BUT, that destruction would allow me to see into the problem more clearly. Yes.
If it would just rain I would at least be allowed to stop thinking about the fucking weather and put that portion of my mind back on task.
So maybe the way to begin is to determine what exactly it is that I am thinking about. Or, what it is I am really trying to solve. Do I want the truth? Do I need to justify the truth? Am I trying to unlock the meaning of human life? The secrete of my existence? Do I want to figure out the secrets of happiness? Or am I trying to create the steps necessary to implement a life that would enable happiness? Am I trying to fix a problem, or make one? But maybe, I think I am getting at the actuality of the situation here…. I must be working on the actual question (or answer) to the ultimate problem of all. The question that can’t be written down, the problem we don’t yet know exists.
Still no rain.
If I was writing this to you in a fountain pen, one where I had an actual vial of ink sitting on the table above the paper, and just to the left, you would be able to understand more fully. A pen such as that would allow you to see the sane strokes, the honest mistakes. You could follow my speed, and enjoy the child-like penmanship. It would put things into context and connect you with me just a bit more. It might even frighten you. Some parts will. But that’s not possible. This is how it must be done, and this is how you must see me. And this is how you will form your decisions about me, and reality, and hope, and love, and longing, and truth, and lies.
I think the half-life of caffeine in the human body is around 4 hours. But hold on, let me check. Well, I was close. According to my mental averages of 3 sources just checked the half-life for me is about 5.5 hours. However, pregnant women or those on birth control pills doubles their half-life. And smokers have a shorter half-life than non-smokers.
There are several parts to my thinking. And separately they all could yield conclusions (could) but then adding the parts might not lead to the best solution (or even a cohesive solution at all) to the entire dealy. So does that mean I need to think about everything as a whole and try to come up with one whole, complete, enormously fucking gigantic solution? Oh – but does it have to be huge. Just because of the enormity of the scope of thinking doesn’t mean that the answer, or solution, has to be complicated. It could - - - and maybe should be so simple. Again, I really just don’t know yet.
Ha- It’s beginning to rain. Things will pick up now.
OK, no time to waste now. Fuck. I must hurry. Hurry. Fuck… ok. OK – good – it’s still raining. One part. I should pick out one part and begin with that one part, not drifting.
The rain isn’t helping. Or it isn’t helping yet. Too much preassure and expectations associated with the rain. Making me think about the pressure and subsequent failures of myself due to the rain. But really it is due to the rain. If it had never come I never would have failed in this way; it was really the thought about the possibility of rain that was the benefitial force. But was it? Expectations. Great Expectations.
Observation: a relatively static presence will change when viewed under different circumstances.
The rain would help speed my thinking, and maybe slow the destruction. Or is it the other way around, and my mind is still so far from an answer that the rain would speed destruction. NO! Ha. I know now: the rain would hurl myself into more destruction BUT, that destruction would allow me to see into the problem more clearly. Yes.
If it would just rain I would at least be allowed to stop thinking about the fucking weather and put that portion of my mind back on task.
So maybe the way to begin is to determine what exactly it is that I am thinking about. Or, what it is I am really trying to solve. Do I want the truth? Do I need to justify the truth? Am I trying to unlock the meaning of human life? The secrete of my existence? Do I want to figure out the secrets of happiness? Or am I trying to create the steps necessary to implement a life that would enable happiness? Am I trying to fix a problem, or make one? But maybe, I think I am getting at the actuality of the situation here…. I must be working on the actual question (or answer) to the ultimate problem of all. The question that can’t be written down, the problem we don’t yet know exists.
Still no rain.
If I was writing this to you in a fountain pen, one where I had an actual vial of ink sitting on the table above the paper, and just to the left, you would be able to understand more fully. A pen such as that would allow you to see the sane strokes, the honest mistakes. You could follow my speed, and enjoy the child-like penmanship. It would put things into context and connect you with me just a bit more. It might even frighten you. Some parts will. But that’s not possible. This is how it must be done, and this is how you must see me. And this is how you will form your decisions about me, and reality, and hope, and love, and longing, and truth, and lies.
I think the half-life of caffeine in the human body is around 4 hours. But hold on, let me check. Well, I was close. According to my mental averages of 3 sources just checked the half-life for me is about 5.5 hours. However, pregnant women or those on birth control pills doubles their half-life. And smokers have a shorter half-life than non-smokers.
There are several parts to my thinking. And separately they all could yield conclusions (could) but then adding the parts might not lead to the best solution (or even a cohesive solution at all) to the entire dealy. So does that mean I need to think about everything as a whole and try to come up with one whole, complete, enormously fucking gigantic solution? Oh – but does it have to be huge. Just because of the enormity of the scope of thinking doesn’t mean that the answer, or solution, has to be complicated. It could - - - and maybe should be so simple. Again, I really just don’t know yet.
Ha- It’s beginning to rain. Things will pick up now.
OK, no time to waste now. Fuck. I must hurry. Hurry. Fuck… ok. OK – good – it’s still raining. One part. I should pick out one part and begin with that one part, not drifting.
The rain isn’t helping. Or it isn’t helping yet. Too much preassure and expectations associated with the rain. Making me think about the pressure and subsequent failures of myself due to the rain. But really it is due to the rain. If it had never come I never would have failed in this way; it was really the thought about the possibility of rain that was the benefitial force. But was it? Expectations. Great Expectations.
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