Mom mother rewened it all for me. She always told me I was very smart. Smarter than most, even.

This gave me high hopes. No. High expectations.

Now that I realize that not to be true - it is hard to remove the expectations.


If only she would have told me I was a little dull. Then things would have lined up.

GUILTY

I feel guilty when I take a shower
I feel guilty when I wash the dishes
I feel guilty when I dry the laundry
I feel guilty when I drive
I feel guilty when I eat meat
I feel guilty when I eat most of the good fishes
I feel guilty when I want to kill squirrels
I feel guilty when I sleep too late
I feel guilty when I go to bed early
I feel guilty when I don't run enough
I feel guilty when my knees hurt too much to run more

fuck this

i pay and pay and pay


who the fuck will pay me????
i can be lazy, and not work and buy a huge-fucking house - then YOU will pay me


piece of fucking lazy-ass shit

I HATE PAYING FOR YOU

I am pounding music into my head. pounding
get in there
stay

"Why would anyone want a cappuccino? You get more with a latte..."


and that's the problem with the world
ignorance
greed

This documentation of this - ha - so called life began with 80 hours awake.

I am not near that record now, but am near that degree of weariness. A ong weekend of work (like 4 days of 18 + hour work days - preceded by several days of piss poor sleep in San Fransisco.

And now we approach 3 am (the final push) working for a yet-to-be-deturmined $.
Chasing that paper


suddenly with more workers than work (again, but this time I can measure the increase)

wow-
Did I win? Will I know if indeed I do win?

so here is the rub:
yes - they will stop stealing from me, but THEY ALREADY SOLE FROM ME.
fuckers
fuckers
fuckers

I am mean
I will be MEAN




watch out

THE BIGEST INSIGHT IN MANY YEARS

goes something like this:
scarcity breeds awe

my grandpa was excited about walnuts, and oranges as a young lad. And he ALWAYS was the most amazed and happy with what I considered normal. He saved string. I got CDs.
But how happy he was when I caught a football.

Just need the camera (if I need it) by next Friday.

There is power in information.


kids
don't let them fool you
power in information exists


and I SHALL TRY TO UTILIZE IT.
(give me a few months, ya know to see if it works)